Finding Yourself
by babylove969
Summary: Warnings: bad language, abuse, prostitution, violence, rape. Chapter warnings inside. Summary: Set in season 6 the night of Dead Things. Spike has been through more than what the others know with his relationship with Buffy. Spike decides that he needs to get out of town for a little bit to heal. Only when he comes back his life is only going to get worse. Full summary inside.
1. An Unexpected Visitor

_**An: okay so I know I have a lot of stories up right now that I have started for Angel and Buffy, but this idea is bugging me so I figured what the hell and keep going. I know some people don't like Slash so I am going to start off by saying this will contain Slash between Angel and Spike. It won't be the extreme lovey dovey stories that I have read. They won't be way out of character, they will be slightly, because they weren't gay on the show, except that one time that is mentioned in the last season of Angel by Spike. Anyways…. This will be a crossover between the two shows and I have no idea where I am going with this, but hey I never do so that shouldn't stop me.**_

_**So obviously in order for this to work I am going to need to change a few plot lines. So let's play a fun game of this never happened. This will be set in Season 6 of the show after Buffy beats the hell out of Spike in the alley (Dead Things). Spike still has the chip and everything in season 4 and five still count. Season 6 though Spike and Buffy have still slept together, but Spike's chip still works on Buffy so he can't hit her back. Buffy and Spike are very much so in an abusive relationship, but worse than Spike can now handle. Buffy has been taking her anger out on Spike by beating him up on a regular basis and is still using him for sex. I don't know what season of Angel this would be set in, but this is before Darla got pregnant with Connor and all of that. Connor doesn't exist and Spike never came to Angel during season one to torture him. Spike and Angel have never spoken to each other since he helped Buffy to kill him to save the world.**_

_**So now that that is out of the way on to the summary: Spike shows up at Angel's hotel badly beaten just before dawn rises. Angel doesn't want to take Spike in, but he is family and badly in need of some help. He takes Spike in and learns a few shocking secrets that he didn't know. Spike doesn't want to stay, but he truly doesn't know where else to go and he can't ignore the fact that it feels nice being around Angel again. He's struggling with his life and who he is and even Angel can plainly see that Spike just doesn't know what to do anymore.**_

_**Warnings: Violence, Slash, bad language, sexual situations, prostitution and abuse on all levels. I have no idea what else, but I'll give ya a heads up.**_

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An Unexpected Visitor

Spike laid in that alley barely able to move. He knew that something was wrong with Buffy, but it still didn't change how he was feeling. She thought she had killed that girl and Spike couldn't blame her for that, but he couldn't just let her walk into that police station and spend the rest of her life in jail. She had helped too many people to just throw her life away for one mistake, one dead body. It wasn't her fault she had been off all day feeling like her mind was slipping. Spike knew someone was behind this, someone had been messing with Buffy not long after she had returned from Heaven. Spike had tried to be there for her and he thought she had appreciated it. Even though it was painful for him to go through all of this he did because he loved her and he just wanted to be with her no matter how much it hurt and it had hurt. Spike had lost count within the last six months how many times she had come over used him to escape her own pain for a little while then took her anger out on him. Sometimes she could come over and just have sex with him before she kicked him in the head and left without saying a word. Spike wasn't too upset during those times. He had come to expect it, it was still painful, he was starting to feel like some type of unpaid prostitute that Buffy could just use when she felt the itch, but she wasn't about what he wanted. There had been a few times when she would have sex with him, but once she got off she would just get up and leave, leaving Spike completely unsatisfied. There had been other times when Spike was too beat up after she came over the night before to release her anger at the world out on him. She would come over the next night wanting sex, but Spike was in too much pain to be even in the mood. She didn't care though she would just get him hard and climb on top of him, not even caring she was causing him even more pain. The only way he would even stay hard was just by friction alone. He wasn't turned on or even in the mood he just wanted her to get off and leave him alone. The pain he was in was always bad after Buffy comes by to take her anger out on him. It wasn't that Spike didn't understand he was an evil soulless thing after all. She could never love him, no one could. Spike understood that Buffy needed to take her anger out on someone after being ripped out of Heaven by her friends, he best friends. He got it and it only made sense for that target to be him. He could take it or so he thought he could take it.

Tonight had been to a more extreme level. Buffy had broken a few ribs before, but never almost all of them, plus he knew his face was swelling and he had some internal bleeding. He was in an extreme amount of pain, as bad as it had been with Glory after a few rounds with her chained up. Spike had no idea buffy could be that relentless and strong before and just like Glory he couldn't fight back. The chip made it impossible to even defend himself against a human. If this had been a demon then he could have fought back and won, but Buffy wasn't a demon she was a human so he couldn't do it. He couldn't defend himself without causing even more pain to himself. He was sitting in a helpless situation. All he did know was that he couldn't lay on the payment forever, he had to get up and get to cover before the sun came up. He only had three hours before the sun would come up and he would be a big pile of dust if he didn't move soon. Though, at this point he didn't really know if he cared about being a big pile of dust or not.

Spike had been through a lot in his life. He had dealt with some harsh treatment from Angelus back in the day when he was first turned that was for certain, but he had never felt like this. He had never felt this alone and worthless. Every time Buffy came by to take her anger out on him she would always call him a soulless, evil monster. She would tell him how he was nothing and no one could ever love a cold, disgusting demon like him. Spike didn't listen to her the first couple of times, but after hearing it for six months, plus dealing with her beatings and the other comments from Xander had really screwed with his mind. Spike couldn't help, but believe her when she said those things. He had started to become depressed four months ago. Over the past four months Spike had started to stay in at night, losing interest in even going out to Willy's for a few pints. The demon community turned their back on him ten months ago making it impossible to get money to buy liquor and blood. As a result he had stopped eating as often so he had lost some weight and his healing time increased. Spike knew that with his injuries it would take a good month before he was fully healed and Spike knew that Buffy wasn't going to wait until she pounded on him again for him to heal. Spike knew within a week that Buffy would be back to take her anger out on him. Just like Spike knew that Buffy would be by tomorrow night or the next night looking for sex, not caring how he was feeling. Or even feeling bad for what she did to him tonight.

Spike couldn't think about that right now he had to get up and out of this alley and back to his place before the sun would come up. Spike pushed himself up onto his knees, trying to do his best to ignore the unbearable pain shooting up his whole body. All of his ribs were broken and Spike didn't even know if he was even going to be able to move right now. Spike didn't have a choice though, he didn't have anyone he could call, even if he had a phone, that would come and help him. He was completely alone. The demons in this town had long given up on Spike's loyalty. They had all labeled him as the Slayer's bitch making it even harder to get the odd job. It had been a good ten months since Spike had a single job. In order to get by he had resorted to pick pocketing humans and even going to the demon club that paid vampires next to nothing for other demons and vampires to feed off from them. It paid next to nothing, but sometimes if the demon or vampire liked you enough they would pay to have sex with you. Spike had never thought in his life that he would ever have to do anything like that, but in the past ten months he had barely any money and he had to help with Dawn's care. He had to help out with the household while Buffy was dead so he didn't have a choice. Spike wasn't proud of it and he hated it completely that he had to lower himself to that level just to survive, but he didn't have a choice. If it was just him he wouldn't care he would go without blood for as long as he could, but he couldn't do that to his Niblet. He had to push through and be there for her, because no one else seemed to be paying any attention to her. Spike had to help take care of her and be there for her. He had to help cook her dinner and help her with her homework, because the others were all too busy to. So Spike had let other vampires and demons feed off from him. He even let other vampires fuck him, because he had to be there for Dawn. All of that didn't help with his self-esteem issues right now. When Buffy got back he thought things would go back to normal, things would be okay but now they seemed to have gotten worse. Spike would have laid there and welcomed the sun, but he knew Dawn wouldn't be able to handle his death. So he forced himself up onto his feet. He forced himself to block out the pain as he realised that his right knee was fractured. He forced his body forward and kept walking all the way back to his crypt. It took him a good hour to even get there, but he had finally made it. His breathing was heavy even though he didn't need to breathe, it was just a habit that he could never break even after over a century of being dead.

Spike went over to his trap door and jumped down, but he didn't land on his feet he handed in a heap on the ground. He had decided on his slow and very painful walk over here that he couldn't be here in the morning. He had to go somewhere for a few days just to get away. He didn't want to leave Dawn, but he needed some time away from Buffy and the rest of them. He didn't want to worry Dawn, but he couldn't stay here right now. He needed some time to heal and to get his mind clear. He knew what Buffy was doing was wrong, even though he loved her he couldn't take much more. He just needed to get somewhere that he could sleep and recover. After that he would figure out what to do next.

Spike grabbed his duffle bag and put his clothes into it before he headed out the trap door and out of his crypt. He kept his motorcycle around the back of the crypt so he got on his bike and kept his small duffle bag in the front between him and the handlebars. He then took a deep breath trying to calm his shaking down. He was in extreme amounts of pain both physically and emotionally, plus he was starving. He hadn't eaten in a week and it was starting to have a negative effect on him. He would need to find a place to go for the morning and then come nightfall he could continue on his way. Spike turned on his bike before he took off out of Sunnydale and out on the Highway. Spike figured he would head towards the closest largest city which was L.A. Spike didn't know what he was going to do, but at least L.A was a large city so he would at least be able to find someone to pick their pocket and get some blood with it.

Spike knew he had to hurry though, because the sun would be coming up within the next two hours and he needed to find some place to hide out the next twelve hours. Spike also had to spend a large amount of energy on not passing out and crashing his bike. Spike didn't know what he was going to do, but he just had to try and stay awake long enough to get somewhere that he could hide out in. Spike was fighting to keep his eyes open, but he knew that if he fell asleep now he wouldn't be waking up at all. He had to keep fighting, because Dawn needed him. He couldn't just let her down and die. She needed him to be there for her so he had to keep fighting. He would be back to Sunnydale in a week or two. He just needed a little break and then he would go back hopefully a little more healed.

It was two hours later when the welcome to L.A sign came into Spike's view. It was a good thing because the sun was starting to come up and Spike knew he didn't have much longer before he would be in jeopardy. Now the problem became he didn't know where to go. He didn't have any money so he couldn't get some shitty hotel room. He didn't know anyone in L.A except for Angel, even then he only knew where he was vaguely. That wasn't even the only problem, he hadn't seen Angel since he helped Buffy kill him to save the world. Spike knew that Angel didn't like him, that he hated him, he made that clear a long time ago. When they were both evil Angel didn't like him, but they still had fun together. Now with his soul he just saw Spike as an evil monster like everyone else. He didn't know where else to go though and with the sun fast approaching over the horizon he didn't have a choice. It was either going to Angel's and hoping he would let him crash there or it was to a dusty ending. Spike figured he could do this for Dawn, he had done worse for her so this shouldn't be too bad. If nothing else he might be able to sneak some blood from Angel's fridge and get something into him. The last time he had eaten was a week ago and that was from a vampire. Vampire blood can be good, but only if it was in your own family line or came from a strong bloodline like his. It's why so many vampires were happy to pay next to nothing to bite him, at least he got next to nothing for it. Spike needed some real blood and animal blood was better than rats or vampire blood. Spike never believed that he would ever reach the level that he was currently at. He was a Master Vampire, someone to fear and now he was this disgusting being that had to allow other vampires and demons to drink his blood or even fuck him just to get by. He could hear Angel's voice in his head now laughing at him and telling him he was worthless and disowning him from the family.

Spike knew he didn't have a choice though he had to go to Angel's and just hope that he would let him stay there without asking him too many questions. Spike remembered the name of the hotel and he remembered where it was vaguely so he headed in that direction and just hoped he would be able to find it before the sun got too high. Spike was able to find the hotel relatively easy enough and with only a few minutes to spare. The problem now he faced was getting off his bike and hoping that someone would answer the door and let him in. He knew from the others that Angel was doing his own demon fighting and investigations down here with his own team, but he didn't know if they would be awake or not. He knew that Angel would have been up all night, but he didn't know if he had gone to bed or not yet. Spike slowly got off his bike and grabbed his bag before he stumbled to the door. He was starting to feel the sun against his skin and he knew he had to just convince Angel to let him inside. Spike got to the door and he was shaking so badly and so dizzy he thought he would pass out any second now. Spike knocked as loudly as he could. After a few moments the door opened and Angle was standing on the other side. When he first opened the door Spike could see the annoyance on his face. He would have been able to sense that it was him on the other side. The second he actually saw Spike the annoyance was gone and his face was blank, but Spike thought he saw a small amount of concern in Angel's eyes, but he knew that it was just his imagination. Angel had never shown any concern for him ever.

"Spike, get inside before I have to sweep you off my front step." Angel said with the shake of his head.

Spike took the few steps inside and Angel could see the level of pain that Spike was in and trying to hide it from him. Spike always had this thing about showing weakness around anyone, but especially Angelus. Some habits were hard to break even though Angel wouldn't give Spike a hard time with the level of damage he was in. Angel closed the door and noticed the small duffle bag that Spike had in his hand. He also noticed that his hands were shaking, his whole body was shaking. Angel could tell that Spike had lost a good amount of weight since he had seen him last. He could also tell there was some serious damage underneath his clothes and internally. Angel hadn't seen Spike in a good four years, but seeing him now he couldn't help but be concerned. Spike almost never lost a fight and when he did it was usually to Angel himself. Seeing him this beat up was disturbing for Angel.

"What brings you by Spike?" Angel asked trying to sound normal and not give away his concern.

"Just passing through. Didn't know if I could crash here till sundown." Spike said, but he wouldn't meet Angel's eyes.

"As long as you don't eat anyone fine. Rooms are upstairs. I was just going to bed myself."

Spike gave a nod and began to walk with Angel towards the stairs. Angel could see that Spike was having a hard time walking and he was favoring his right knee. His shaking had also gotten worse. Angel walked closely by Spike and went at his own pace so he could be there in case Spike collapsed. They slowly got up the stairs and Angel could tell that Spike was in an extreme amount of pain. Angel didn't know what had happened, but he was going to find out. They didn't have the best relationship, but Spike was still his Childe and he didn't like it that someone did this to him. Angel led Spike down the hallway until they got to his room. He stopped and opened the door and spoke at the same time.

"In here."

Spike was too tired and in too much pain to even bother to argue. He could tell by the smell of the room that it was Angel's and he didn't even care. At this point he just wanted to sleep and not wake up for a good week. Once inside the room Angel closed the door and turned his attention to Spike.

"Take your shirt off and get on the bed so I can look at your injuries."

Spike didn't even argue he just dropped his bag on the ground and went over to the bed. Angel knew that something was more wrong with Spike than he thought. Spike always argued with him, but right now it seemed like Spike just didn't care anymore. Angel went over to Spike as he tried to lift his t-shirt off after taking off his jacket. Angel could see that he was having a hard time getting his shirt off so he went over and gently lifted the shirt off from Spike. Angel couldn't believe what he saw underneath the shirt. Spike's whole torso was covered in dark black bruising. Angel could see that all of his ribs were broken and he knew there would be internal damage done as well.

"What the hell happened?" Angel asked with anger at seeing his Childe in this state.

Spike had always been a pain in his ass, mostly because they were both evil. Then when he got a soul he left after Darla kicked him out for having one. Ever since then they hadn't gotten along, because a vampire with a soul can't get along with a vampire without a soul. Angel had a lot of regrets with what he did when he was evil and the way he treated Spike was one of them. He knew he was crueler towards Spike, because he wanted someone to be just as evil as he was and the only way for that to happen was by torturing someone. He needed Spike to be strong and to be afraid of him at the same time. Spike just became more rebellious though and now Angel knew that Spike hated him. Angel knew that Spike was only here because he needed a place to crash until the sun went down. Still seeing Spike this injured angered Angel. Spike was always a strong fighter he had never looked this bad before.

"Bad night" Spike said softly.

"It looks like a lot more than just a bad night. You've lost weight. When was the last time you ate?" Angel asked as calmly as he could manage.

Spike just shrugged. He didn't want Angel to know about how pathetic and weak he had become. Angel let out a sigh before he turned and left the room. Spike didn't know where he was going, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He was just so tired and in so much pain he just wanted to sleep. He was tempted to lie down, but he knew Angel wouldn't be done with him yet. It was better to just wait for when Angel said he could sleep before he laid down, because if he laid down now he didn't think he would be able to get back up. After a few minutes Angel came back upstairs with a mug of warm blood. The smell hit Spike the moment Angel walked back into the room and Spike's stomach instantly growled and his eyes went yellow. Angel knew by the instant reaction that Spike's body had to the blood, he knew it had been more than a few days since Spike had fed. Angel handed Spike the mug and Spike took it and drank it down within a minute. Spike's eye went back to normal and he placed the mug down on the nightstand.

"Thanks." Spike said softly and Angel knew he was embarrassed by the way his body reacted to just the smell of blood.

"You need to lay down. All of your ribs are broken, but don't think that gets you out of answering my questions." Angle said in a serious voice.

Spike didn't even say anything he just laid back down on the pillows at the head of the bed. He was still shaking from the pain, but at least that mug of blood had helped to stop the hunger pains in his stomach for now. Angel sat down on the edge of the bed and faced Spike. He put his forearms on his knees and tried to remain calm. Something had obviously happened to change Spike this much. Just four years ago he was helping to kill him and now he was following everything he said like a little puppy dog. This wasn't his Childe, but a shell of the man he used to be.

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Do we have to do this now? I'm tired and everything hurts." Spike said in a weak voice and he hated himself for showing weakness to the one person who had always taught him that weakness would never be allowed.

Spike closed his eyes and waited for Angel to yell at him or hit him like he used to when he showed any signs of weakness. Angel knew that Spike regretted the words the moment he said them. At one point in their past Angel would have beaten the crap out of Spike for ever showing weakness. Spike's instant reaction made perfect sense to Angel and Angel knew that he had to work on rebuilding this relationship. It wasn't that Angel hated Spike, he didn't; they just never got along because of the soul and no soul thing. That didn't change the fact that Spike was his Childe and he was family. Angel wasn't about to kill him and he wasn't about to ignore what was happening right now.

"I know you are tired and in an extreme amount of pain, but the sooner we do this then the sooner you can sleep. I need to know what is going on. Four years ago you were all ready to help kill me to save the world. Now you are starving and covered in bruises. What the hell is going on?" Angel asked calmly, but Spike could have sworn he heard a small amount of concern in his voice.

"Just got into a fight is all no big deal."

"You're hands aren't bruised or cut up Spike. Why didn't you fight back against your attacker or attackers?"

"Because I couldn't."

"The demon tied you up?" Angel asked.

"No"

"Then how come you didn't fight back? Was there more than one of them?" Angel asked not understanding why Spike wouldn't have just killed the demon easily.

"It wasn't a demon. It was a human and there was only one." Spike said with his eyes closed trying to fight back the pain.

"A human did this to you? How the hell is that even possible? Why wouldn't you kill them?" Angel asked now more confused than before.

Spike opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Angel shock clearly on his face. "You don't know."

"What don't I know?"

"They never told you?" Spike asked to himself more confused now than ever.

"Who never told me?"

"Buffy and the gang. They never told you what happened. I figured they would have. You all have a good laugh over it."

"Spike I don't know what you're talking about. What didn't they tell me?" Angel asked clearly confused and slightly angry that something obviously happened that was kept from him.

"Two years ago I came into Sunnydale again. I got attacked from behind with a Taser Gun of some sorts for demons. Knocked me out cold. When I woke up I was in this white room with a glass door. Turns out it was some Government Agency called the Initiative. They took demons and vampires and did experiments on them and testing. They put a chip in my head to neuter me. I can't bite or hurt a human without unimaginable pain shooting all through my head. I can't hurt a human anymore, haven't been able to in two years."

The shock was clear on Angel's face, but also an underlining anger that he didn't know about this.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

Spike let out a small chuckle, but groaned in pain right afterwards. "Tell you, bloody Angelus, that I'm a human's bitch now. Can't defend myself against them, can't fed off of them and live. Ya that would have gone over well." Spike said sadly.

"I'm not Angelus anymore Spike. I'm not saying I wouldn't have gloated a little, but Spike I would have helped you. You're still family I would have helped you figure out how to survive off animal blood and how to get it. How were you able to survive?"

"Went to Watcher boy's house to see if they knew what was going on. Spent a few weeks chained up in his bathroom and they figured out there was a chip in my brain. About a month after getting it the world was going to end again and I got dragged along. Found out I could hit a demon that helped me not want to kill myself. I got myself a crypt and then did odd jobs for other demons. When Buffy needed information or help she would give me ten bucks or twenty sometimes if it was important enough to her. I can still steal as long as I don't hurt anyone."

Angel shook his head. "You've been able to get blood steadily though?"

"Normally." Spike said with a shrug.

"Why not recently?"

"I didn't say it hasn't been recent."

"Your reaction to the blood says otherwise. You haven't reacted like that since you were a fledging."

"It's nothing." Spike said with his eyes closed.

"When was the last time you had blood Spike? And don't say a few minutes ago."

"Blood or animal blood?"

"You said you haven't been able to feed off of anyone in two years. I'm assuming you are on animal blood so I don't understand your question."

Spike let out a sigh clearly annoyed that Angel wasn't going to let him sleep until he had the answers he wanted.

"Please just let this go and let me sleep." Spike tried even though he knew it wasn't going to work.

"I can't do that Spike. You show up seconds before you would be burnt to dust from the sun. You are beaten up severely and starving. I can't let this go. You're family."

"Now I'm family. You didn't care when you left back then or any other day after that. You certainly didn't care back in Sunnydale when I was paralyzed. Don't need you to start caring now." Spike said trying his best to hide his hurt, but Angel could clearly hear it.

"I didn't just leave Spike. Darla kicked me out when she found out I was cursed with my soul. She thought I would be a bad influence on the family. She knew I couldn't be cruel anymore. I didn't want to leave, but she was my Sire and she told me I was no longer a part of this family. I still thought about you all and I still missed you. By the time I was able to live with my soul you and Drusilla had made a name for yourselves all over the world. You weren't as cruel as I was, but you were enjoying being a vampire. It was too late then. As for Sunnydale I'm sorry for what I did to you. You were paralyzed and I could have healed you, but after so many decades of my demon being trapped it was uncontrollable. My demon was insane from being trapped by the soul. I am sorry for what I did to you back in Sunnydale it's why I don't hold you helping Buffy to kill me against you. I would have too. Now it's been two years since you've fed off a human. Two years of fighting the good fight and keeping people safe. We're back to fighting on the same side, even if we both didn't ask for it. When was the last time you ate something?"

Spike was silent for a few moments and Angel could tell he was thinking about if he should tell him or not. Angel didn't want to tell Spike how back when he got his soul he wanted to take him with him. Angel wanted so desperately to take Spike away from Darla and Drusilla and bring him with him. He knew that Spike was different from the moment he sired him, even before that. Spike was such a gentle soul and even when he was turned that human part of him was still there. It's what made Spike truly be able to feel emotions and love. It's what made Spike who he was and not even Angelus had been able to break him of that. Spike loved to eat normal food and keep up with the times. Angel still could remember Spike teaching him how to drive. Now Spike can use a computer and cell phones. He knows how to drive a car, truck and a motorcycle. Spike loved being a vampire, but Angel knew he just loved life itself. He always wanted to have a good time and being a vampire made it possible to do more of it. He was very well educated, something that most people don't know about. He went to Oxford University and graduated with honors in English. He wrote poems that Angel always loved. He could write songs and stories. He loved to read old English literature and he could even draw much like himself. Spike always had this life and spark in his eyes. He just wanted to enjoy life and have someone to love and be loved back. Spike had loved Drusilla and he knew that he was in love with Buffy, thanks to Buffy telling him. The problem was Spike had never been with someone that truly loved him back. Drusilla was just using Spike because he was there and would do anything she asked. She would still cheat on him with anyone she wanted vampire or demon included. Spike had no idea what it meant to be loved or to feel safe with someone. Angel could still remember that drunk night that they shared when the girls were out hunting. They had gotten so drunk they ended up sleeping together. Angel could still remember how Spike told him he had never felt so safe before in his whole existence. Spike didn't remember it the next day so Angel just let it go, but it was the first time that Angel could see that there was more to Spike. So when he got his soul he immediately thought about taking Spike with him, because he did care about Spike. He did see something in him that would make him more than just another vampire. Angel saw a lot of potential in Spike and he was hoping now that he can't hurt humans he might be able to get Spike to start living up to that potential.

"A week ago I got into a fight with a vampire. I drank from her before I dusted her." Spike finally said softly.

Angel couldn't help the hurt that passed through him. To know that his own Childe was so desperate that he fed off another vampire. It was different if it was from your family, but outsiders it was looked down upon from the era that they are from. Angel knew that lots of other vampires will feed off each other. Some will even pay to bite a stronger vampire just to feel the rush of the blood, but Spike was never like that. He hated the idea of drinking from another vampire or demon unless it was within the family.

"You were that hungry you fed off another vampire? When was the last time you had any real blood? You know blood outside of your family won't do anything for healing or nutrients, it will just keep you from dying."

"Three weeks before that I had a pint of animal blood that I was able to steal. So I guess a month ago then."

"I thought you were helping Buffy with fighting demons and doing the odd job for other demon clans?"

"I used to work for other demon clans, but ten months ago the work stopped. I was helping Buffy, I still am, but she stopped paying me over a year ago."

"What the hell have you been doing for money?"

"I pickpocket when I get the chance or steal it from other demons."

"Don't you have any saved up? You always used to have stashes hidden all over the damn place."

"I did, but when Buffy died I stayed to help keep the Niblet safe and to take care of her. There were bills to pay for the house and for her school. It took up the money within the first two months."

"What about the others? They weren't helping with Dawn?"

"They were all grieving and they couldn't really be there for her. Red and Glenda had school. Anya and the Whelp had work and their own house to look after. Giles stayed for the funeral and then he left for the mother country. Everyone was so lost in their own lives that Niblet was being neglected. I promised Buffy I would look out for Dawn no matter what so I stayed even though I really wanted to leave. She would come by the crypt after school and I would take her home at night for dinner that first month. I found out on the second month that no one was paying the bills and she didn't really have any food. So I paid the back rent and rent after that plus the utilities and the food. She needed school supplies. After three months the money was gone."

"I didn't know any of that. I assumed by what Willow said that they were all looking after Dawn. I know Willow and Tara moved in to help Dawn. They never said anything about you."

"Don't surprise me. They ignored me when I was there. After that first month I started staying at the house so I could be there in the morning for the Niblet and be there at night to help her with her homework and cook dinner. I would then go and patrol all night before the day started all over again. When Buffy came back they stopped ignoring me and started to go back to the way things were. Them telling me to leave Buffy and Niblet alone. She would have been homeless and starved and they wouldn't even have noticed."

"Grief makes people act in strange ways you know that. At least Dawn had you there for her."

"Still does."

"Why did you leave last night then if you are going back there?"

"Just needed a breather. Some time to heal up. I don't know where I'm going yet. I'll figure it out later. I'll go back in two weeks. I'll call her later and let her know so she doesn't worry."

"Did you leave, because this human is going to come back for you?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter. Spike a human did this kind of damage to you. What the hell did they even use?"

"Just their fists."

"What kind of human has this much strength? You look like a demon beat you up or a vampire. The only type of human with this type of strength are Slayers."

Spike didn't say anything and he wouldn't even turn his head in Angel's direction. Angel instantly felt confusion and anger fill his body at Spike's reaction. He would have never thought that Buffy would ever do this to Spike. He couldn't fight back, even if he could he wouldn't. Angel could still clearly remember the times that Drusilla was out of her mind and beating Spike. He would never defend himself. He would never raise his hand to her, because he loved her and he believed that you don't hurt the woman you love.

"Buffy did this to you?" Angel asked softly with shock to his voice.

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter Spike. Why do you keep saying that?" Angel asked not even bothering to hide his anger.

"Because I don't matter ok?" Spike snapped as he opened his eyes and looked at Angel.

"What are you talking about?" Angel asked with anger.

"I don't matter. I'm just some evil, soulless thing. I can't feel anything so it doesn't matter what happens to me." Spike said sadly.

"Is that what she told you?"

"She's not the only one."

"Spike you are not some evil, soulless thing. You don't have a soul, but you aren't evil anymore. You have been helping them fight demons. Taking care of Dawn. Evil monsters don't do that. You don't need a soul to be good. What the hell has happened to you? You've never been like this, even when Angelus got a hold of you. Why would Buffy beat you like this? Help me understand this Spike." Angel said with a plead in his voice.

Spike let out a sigh. He just wanted to sleep, but it was too late now. He had to tell Angel what had been happening, but he wasn't going to tell him about the club. He wasn't going to show him just how weak and pathetic he had become.

"After she came back she was having a hard time. She was going through the motions and just struggling. One night we kissed the next night she told me it was a mistake and it didn't mean anything. A few nights later we're making out at the Bronze and then we're screwing around. That first month everything seemed fine. She would come by when she had that need and then leave. She started to get stressed and overwhelmed though with life. She was in Heaven and her friends took her out of it. She's angry at them, but she can't hurt them. She can hurt me though. When she gets too angry and upset she'll come to me and beat me up then leave. She'll come back the next night to make it up to me. Tonight it wasn't her fault. Someone's been screwing around with her. She thought she killed some innocent woman. She might have I don't know. She said the world seemed weird when she was trying to fight, like the time changed. She was going to turn herself in and I tried to stop her. She beat me until I couldn't get back up and then went into the station anyways. By the time I got up and got back to my crypt it wasn't that far away from sunrise. I figured I would leave for a couple of weeks to heal and give her some space. She'll come by tomorrow or the day after looking for some make-up sex and I just can't handle that right now. So I left. I still need to call Niblet and let her know. It's not Buffy's fault she just can't take her anger out on anyone."

"Spike you do know you sound like an abuse victim right? She beat you in an alley and left you there. You could have died when the sun came up. Yet she's going to come by later and want sex from you. That makes it ok?"

"It wouldn't be the first time." Spike said softly more to himself, but with Angel being a vampire he heard it anyways.

"What do you mean it wouldn't be the first time? What wouldn't be?"

"Nothing. I don't want to talk about it ok?" Spike said softly.

"Spike what are you keeping from me?"

"I don't want to talk about this, not with you."

"Why not?"

"Because you won't believe me." Spike said softly.

"I can tell when you are lying Spike. Tell me what you meant by that. I can see that you want to tell someone what has been happening. You can tell me Spike. I'll believe you." Angel said calmly.

Spike let out an unneeded, but shaky breath before he started. Angel was right he did need to tell someone, even if Angel yelled and called him a liar. At least he would have told someone finally after six months of this.

"The beatings haven't been this bad, but sometimes they get pretty bad. The next night she usually comes by and at first I thought it was to apologise, but she just wants sex so she can feel something other than anger. There's been a few times when I'm in too much pain and I don't want it. She doesn't care though and just does it anyways and then leaves once she gets off. When I'm not beat up and she comes by for sex it's just that sex. Once we're done she'll punch me across the face and then gets up and leaves. Before the whole sex thing she used to come by just to talk and hang out. I didn't expect that to change, but it did. She doesn't even want me around when she patrols now. She doesn't want me around Niblet much either. She gets upset when she comes by after school without her permission. I'm just tired. I just need a couple of weeks away and then things will be fine. I'm just tired." Spike said the last part more to himself, but Angel knew he was trying to convince himself that two weeks away and everything would be fine.

Angel knew it wouldn't just make everything better. Spike was basically in an abusive relationship, with Buffy of all people. Angel could understand being dragged out of Heaven would have been traumatic. Dying the way that she did would have been traumatic, but she would have been dead and unaffected by it. Now she was alive and having to deal with everything, but she wasn't doing it the right away. She had no right to hurt Spike like this. She had no right to beat Spike then show up the next night expecting sex whether he was in the shape to or not. Spike was a guy and they could get it up off friction alone, but that didn't mean they wanted it. If she was going to do that the least she could have done was to get him off while he was going through it. Angel couldn't help but feel bad for Spike. He loved Buffy and Angel knew for certain that he did. To risk his own danger by looking after a human teenager was proof of that. Spike would have lost any future jobs with demons once everyone found out he was raising a human girl. It was against the code. Killing each other happened all the time, but you don't play human when you aren't. The fact that ten months ago was the last time he had a steady job was proof of that. Angel could also feel the Sire in him growing angrier and angrier at Buffy. He knew that she had been going through a hard time, but to beat Spike and then practically rape him afterwards was just down right cruel. The sweet girl that he fell in love with would never do something like that, especially when Spike couldn't even defend himself against her. It all made sense though why Spike was like this. For the past ten months he has been struggling with raising a teenager, no money for food so he was starved half the time, plus being abused by the woman he loves. Angel let out a sigh and rubbed his hands over his face. He couldn't believe how much his Childe had been through recently.

"I'm sorry Spike. She doesn't have any right to do this to you. You don't deserve this shit. You don't deserve to be abused by her or anyone."

"It's not abuse. She's just going through a hard time right now. It's nothing I can't handle. I just need a couple of weeks to heal and then I have to go back and take care of Niblet. I promised her that I wouldn't leave her. I can't break that promise to her. Buffy just needs some time. I'm just tired everything will be fine once I get some sleep. I just need sleep." Spike said weakly and Angel knew he was trying to convince himself that he could keep doing this.

Angel got up off the bed as he spoke.

"You got one thing right, you need sleep. We can talk more about this once you've rested and eaten something."

Angel went over to the other side of the room and grabbed some black silk sleep pants. While he did this Spike kicked off his boots and moved the blanket so he could get under the covers. Angel came back over to the bed in just his silk black sleep pants before he got in under the covers on the other side of the bed. Spike made sure he was on his back so he wouldn't agitate his broken ribs any more than he already would by laying down. Together they both fell asleep silently being comforted by the smell of the other.

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Angel woke up a few hours later with the sense that something was wrong. He didn't know what but he could feel it and it was strong enough to wake him out of a dead sleep. Angel sat up and looked over at Spike to see if he felt it to. Usually Spike felt things a lot stronger than he did so he was sure that Spike was awake and wondering himself. Only when Angel looked down at Spike he was what was wrong. He was no longer breathing despite the fact that he didn't need to, Spike still breathed like a human. Right now he wasn't and his skin was a sickly grey color. Angel knew immediately what was wrong with him. He had seen it before with other vampires. It was what happened when you lost too much blood and were on the verge of death. Angel threw the covers off and looked at Spike. He saw that his stomach was completely black and Angel knew that he was bleeding out internally. Angel didn't know what the cause of it was, but he knew it was from the internal bleeding that Spike had after what Buffy did to him. Apparently, it was worse then what he himself and Spike thought it was. Angel knew Spike needed blood, but he needed something stronger than pig's blood. Angel didn't even hesitate he changed face and brought his fang against his wrist and cut it deep enough to bleed for Spike to be able to drink it. Angel then tilted Spike's head back and placed his now heavily bleeding wrist against Spike's mouth. He just needed to get some down Spike's throat and then the demon inside of Spike should take over and begin to drink. After a few seconds Spike began to swallow the blood and began to drink from the wrist. He didn't wake up or change his face and Angel knew that meant he was more weak and sick than Angel had thought. Angel knew his blood would help heal Spike faster. He had to give it to him a few times over the next day or two and with rest Spike should be fine. After five minutes Spike stopped drinking and Angel was thankful for that. He was starting to get dizzy from the blood loss. He watched as Spike stayed sleeping, but he could see his color getting better. He had to give Spike enough blood over the course of two days to heal his internal injuries. In two hours he would give Spike some pig's blood to boost his own blood in his system. Then later he would give Spike some more of his blood to heal him. Angel let out a sigh as he got up. He put the covers back over Spike before he went over to his closet to get dressed. He wasn't about to go back to sleep while he needed to watch Spike to make sure he doesn't bleed out again. He put on his jeans and a simple t-shirt before he left the room and headed down to the kitchen to get some blood into himself. He could tell by the sun that it was just before noon. He heard his team in the kitchen and Angel figured he would tell them now about Spike instead of trying to hide it. Angel didn't know what was going to happen with Spike. He did know that he wasn't going to let Spike leave in the condition that he was in.

Angel walked into the kitchen to see his team all standing around talking and drinking coffee. Angel went over to the fridge to grab some blood and warm it up for himself.

"Angel, you are up awfully early. Is everything alright?" Wesley asked.

"No actually there is something you guys need to know." Angel said he figured it was now or never. He couldn't exactly hide Spike from them.

"What's up?" Gunn asked.

"Spike is here." Angel said.

"Who?" Gunn asked.

"Spike is a vampire. He is Angel's Childe and he is evil." Wesley said.

"Why is Spike here? He tried to kill us back in high school remember? Parent teacher night really didn't go over so well." Cordelia said.

"Wait he tried to kill you guys? Why aren't we stakin' him?" Gunn asked slightly angry that Angel would let a threat into their home.

"It's not that simple." Angel started.

"Sounds simple to me. He's evil and a threat to us." Gunn said.

"Spike is Angel's Childe, Angel is his Sire. For Angel to kill Spike it wouldn't be that easy. Angel and Spike have a blood bond and to kill Spike would be like killing part of himself." Wesley said.

"But you tried to kill Darla and Drusilla. Isn't that the same thing?" Fred asked.

"It's a different type of bond. Spike and I have a stronger bond then I do with Drusilla. As for Darla she is my Sire not my Childe, it's still harder to kill her, but if it's for the good of the world then I can do some without hurting myself too much. Spike and I have a different bond it's stronger, or it used to be stronger before my soul. Now it's just complicated." Angel said.

"So I'll stake him." Gunn offered.

"No one is staking him or hurting him. He is under my protection just like the rest of you." Angel said in a serious voice.

"Why is he here?" Wesley asked. He was the only one who could understand the bond between them. Not fully, but he still understood it more than the others.

"He showed up just before sunrise severely beaten. He just wanted to spend the night here to wait out the sun. He said he would be gone when the sun goes down tonight." Angel answered.

"Perfect I'll hold the door for him." Cordelia said.

"He's not leaving. He's in no condition to be leaving. It's why I'm up this early. He was bleeding internally he almost died a few minutes ago. The beating was more severe than either of us thought. I think his spleen exploded or something for him to bleed so much internally." Angel said.

"Where was he attacked?" Wesley asked.

"In Sunnydale." Angel answered.

"Why did he come all this way if he was so hurt?" Fred asked.

"He wanted out of Sunnydale for a couple of weeks to heal. It's a long story and I didn't know about any of it until this morning when he told me."

"So what's the story?" Gunn asked.

Angel grabbed his mug out of the microwave and took a drink before he turned back to answer.

"Two years ago Spike was in Sunnydale and was taken by a Government Agency called the Initiative. They captured demons and vampires and do experiments on them. They put a microchip into Spike's brain to make it so he can't hurt humans. He can't fight them or bite them without extreme pain shooting through his head." Angel started.

"That was two years ago and you are just finding this out now?" Wesley asked surprised that no one had told Angel beforehand.

"Spike thought I knew. He went to Giles after it happened, but there was nothing they could do. Giles should have told me immediately he knows better being a Watcher. Buffy should have told me even, but no one did. I would have checked in on him to make sure he was able to keep feeding." Angel said.

"So he hasn't been able to eat in two years? Fred asked.

"He's been able to get money from the odd demon job and apparently Buffy would give him ten to twenty bucks for information on something happening in Sunnydale. When Buffy died Spike made the decision to take care of Dawn when after the first month it was clear no one else was. No one had paid the rent or got much food. Spike found out and used the money he had saved up to pay the rent and the bills in the house. He was practically living there while Buffy was dead." Angel said.

"That couldn't have gone over well with the demon population." Wesley said.

"I didn't. Spike hasn't been able to get a job from them in ten months." Angel said.

"Why? It didn't matter before why would it matter all of a sudden?" Fred asked.

"Because it's one thing to kill your own kind. It happens all the time. It's another to play human. Spike lost everything when he made the decision to raise Dawn, a human teenager. What little protection and respect he had within the demon world for being a Master Vampire was gone. Spike is now on his own in the demon world and in the human world. He can't even defend himself against a human." Angel said.

"So what did some demons want some pay back then and beat him up?" Gunn asked starting to get a little interested in the story.

"Buffy was in Heaven as you guys know, but when she came back she was and is upset. She's hurt and angry at her friends for what they did. I still don't know what happened the night she died, not completely or how they brought her back fully. Spike told me that she had been going through the motions and having a hard time feeling anything at all besides anger. Last night Buffy beat the hell out of Spike in an alley outside of a police station and then left him there."

"Buffy did?" Cordelia asked shocked. Buffy wasn't one to hurt someone who couldn't fight back.

"Is that unusual?" Fred asked.

"Buffy has this thing where she won't hurt a human or anyone harmless. If Spike can't fight back there was no point in hurting him." Cordelia said.

"And there wasn't. Since Buffy has been back someone has been messing around with her. She thought she killed a woman and she was going to turn herself in. Spike went to stop her. Tried to get her to see that one dead girl doesn't tip the scales. That she was needed and can't go to jail for the rest of her life. Buffy then attacked him and didn't stop even once he was down. All of his ribs are broken, he has massive internal bleeding as well as bruising all over his face. He wasn't a threat to her once he was down, but she continued anyways. If he hadn't gotten up he would have still been there when the sun came up and be dead right now."

"Holy crap. What is her deal?" Cordelia asked.

"I don't know. According to Spike they have had a relationship of sorts. They have been sleeping together and this isn't the first time she has attacked him and he hasn't been able to fight back. She's been abusing him essentially for the past six months." Angel said with a slight anger to his voice.

"Are you sure he's telling the truth?" Gunn asked.

"I can tell when he is lying and he wasn't. He didn't even want to tell me, because he believed I wouldn't believe him. He's telling the truth though." Angel answered.

"What the hell happened to her? I mean she was always so high and mighty about not harming the helpless and all that crap. Now she's using and abusing a vampire who can't even fight back." Cordelia said.

"A vampire who fell in love with her. Even if he could hit her he still wouldn't have. He won't raise his hand to the woman he loves. Drusilla used to beat the hell out of him during her moments and he wouldn't hurt her. He just takes it." Angel said.

"So what's his plan then?" Gunn asked.

"I haven't really talked to him about it in depth. He just said that he was looking to crash for the night here and then he would be on his way. He's going to stay out of Sunnydale for two weeks then go back." Angel answered.

"Where is he going to go during the rest of the two weeks?" Fred asked.

"He's not going anywhere. He's in no shape to be traveling with his injuries. He's staying here. If I had it my way he wouldn't be going back to Sunnydale, but I understand he has his reasons, whatever they might be." Angel said.

"It's probably Dawn. I mean he threw everything away just to take care of her while Buffy was dead. He wouldn't want to abandon her after doing all that. By leaving he probably feels like he is." Cordelia said.

"I get that, but he can't look after her if he's not strong enough. He hasn't had any real blood in a month. The first bit of blood he had in a month was last night and I gave it to him. He can't just not eat and keep getting beat up by Buffy when she is angry at her friends. I don't want him in that environment when there is clearly no one looking out for him." Angel said.

"We understand that Angel. Maybe the others don't know though." Wesley supplied.

"I don't know what they do or they don't know. When Spike is able to I'll be speaking to him about it and finding out. For now he's staying here so I can make sure he gets back to being healthy." Angel said.

"Do you need anything?" Fred asked.

"No I'm going to give him some blood to help get him healed. Do we have any clients right now?" Angel asked.

"Not yet, but something might come up." Cordelia said.

"Let me know if there is something that needs to be taken care of." Angel said before he went over to the fridge to get some blood for Spike.

Angel warmed it up in a mug and once the blood was warm enough he headed back upstairs to his room. He walked in and saw that Spike was still sleeping where he had left him. Angel could see that Spike's color was getting better and he was hoping that Spike would be able to wake up to drink the blood. Angel sat the mug of blood down on the bedside table before he sat down on the edge of the bed facing Spike. Angel could see that Spike's color was improving, but it wasn't back to normal. He also knew that Spike would be in pain for a good few days still and Angel was hoping he could just get Spike to sleep through the next few days until he was in better condition. Angel reached out and ran his thumb over Spike's cheek and called his name.

"Spike, come on wake up."

Spike stirred a little at the touch of Angel's thumb and hearing his name. Spike opened his right eye as his left eye was swollen shut. Angel could see the pain clearly all over Spike's face and he could feel it coming off from him. The blood that he had given Spike not even an hour ago had strengthen the weakened bond that they had shared at one point. Angel was able to feel Spike's pain through their bond. It wasn't the full extent, but Angel knew by the time Spike is healthy enough to leave that the bond will be back to full strength that it had been when he first sired Spike.

"You need blood. Do you think you can sit up to drink some?" Angel asked calmly.

Spike just gave a nod and Angel helped Spike to sit up. Angel went to sit behind Spike to help hold him up so he could drink. Angel picked up the mug and handed it to Spike. Spike held onto the mug, but Angel kept his hand on it as well, because he could feel that Spike didn't have the strength back yet. Once the blood was gone Angel placed the mug back down and moved away from behind Spike slowly so Spike could lie back down. Once Spike was back to lying down he was starting to shake once again from the pain.

"Something doesn't feel right." Spike said with pain clearly in his voice.

"You are bleeding more internally then we thought. I think your spleen erupted and you almost died. I had to give you some of my blood to keep you alive. With enough blood you should be fine in a few days."

Spike closed his eyes as he spoke. "You gave me your blood? You never give me your blood." Spike's voice was soft, but Angel could hear the confusion in his voice.

"You needed something stronger than pig's blood. Its fine don't worry about it. You need rest just sleep." Angel said calmly.

Spike was still shaking, but he had his eyes closed and Angel knew he was trying to block out the pain so he could sleep. After a few minutes Angel knew that Spike had fallen asleep. Angel was tired himself so he decided he would lay down and try and get some sleep before he had to wake Spike up to get him to feed again. Spike needed as much blood as he could get into him during the next two weeks so he could be back to full health once again. Angel went over and got changed before he went and crawled back into bed and fell asleep.


	2. A Family Bond

_**Warnings: Mentions of abuse, bad language, underage drinking, drug use and sexual situation**_

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A Family Bond

The past five days had been exhausting and stressful. Spike had spent the last five days in bed just trying to recover from his injuries. He had barely been conscious during the past five days. Angel had been giving Spike a mixture of his own blood and pig's blood. Angel knew that after the third day and Spike still wasn't waking up for longer than to drink and go back to sleep that Spike was more injured than he thought. Angel didn't have any way of knowing just how injured Spike was, because they couldn't go to a hospital and get him checked out. Spike would only know that something was wrong and not what was wrong with his organs. Vampires could normally only tell when one organ was missing and not what was wrong with them. Finally on the fifth day Angel walked in with a mug of pig's blood to see Spike awake and sitting up leaning against the pillows. He looked slightly better, but Angel could tell he was still in pain and weak. Angel was hoping Spike would be awake long enough so he could shower and get some of the dry blood off from his torso. Angel went over to the bed and handed Spike the mug of blood as he spoke.

"How are you feeling?" Angel asked as Spike took the mug into his hands. Angel could see them shaking slightly and he knew that Spike was still weak and in pain.

"You know how I'm feeling." Spike stated calmly as he slowly began to drink the blood.

Angel did know how he was feeling. The bond they once shared that had been severed had been restored almost to its full strength. With Angel's blood it had helped to restore the bond they once shared so strongly and now Angel and Spike could both feel what the other was feeling. They could block it out, but Angel was currently liking the comfort it had to offer him knowing that if Spike was in trouble or in pain he could feel it. Angel wasn't fooling himself he didn't think he would be able to keep Spike here. Eventually he was going to go back to Sunnydale for Dawn. Spike was a vampire, but he was still very much human in the love and loyalty department. Spike was loyal to Dawn and he considered her one of his own. He wasn't going to abandon her not yet anyways. Angel knew if there came a time when the abuse he received from Buffy was too much that he would be forced to leave, because Angel would make sure of it. He was going to be there for Spike, but he wasn't going to let Spike get himself killed by Buffy, especially when he can't even fight back.

Angel sat down on the side of the bed and faced Spike.

"I know, but I want to know how you are feeling. I know you are in pain I can feel it, but I can't read your mind you know that."

"You used to be able to. We used to be able to talk without saying a single word out loud. It's funny how you can forget things over the years, but then all of those things you forgot about come slamming back at you when something triggers it all."

Angel knew that Spike was talking just to get his thoughts in order. Spike could talk anyone to death, but Angel knew that most of the time it wasn't just so he could hear his own voice. Spike was a people person always has been, which is rare for a vampire. Spike enjoyed conversations. He enjoyed intelligent conversations even though he hid his true intelligence very well. He did have his moments when it showed and it always shocked people. In order to survive Spike had to recreate himself and leave William behind, but every now and then William would appear reminding Angel just how unique Spike truly is. Spike wasn't looking for a lecture right now. He wasn't looking for someone to tell him what to do. He was looking for someone to just have a conversation with. Someone that will help him try to figure out what to do. Someone that would support his decision no matter what it was and Angel knew he had to be that person, because no one else was going to be.

"Darla used to be get mad about it. We never could until that one night we got so drunk we slept together and fed at the same time from each other. Darla and I used to do it all the time and it never strengthened our bond. All it took was one time with you. One very, very drunk night." Angel said trying to sound like it wasn't a big deal that he didn't even care about it.

The problem was Angel did remember it very clearly. He remembered how being with Spike for just that one night, it was better than any night he had ever spent with anyone in his entire existence and that scared the hell out of him. It still does to this day. Angel knew that if something ever happened and they had slept together again he wouldn't have to worry about his soul, because sleeping with a vampire wasn't the same as sleeping with a human. He loved Buffy, but the curse was designed for total happiness with a human. Angel had been in love with Darla and they slept together after his soul and it never bothered him. It was the human part that was the problem with the gypsy's spell, because two vampires can never be truly happy together in the universe's theory anyways. Angel knew otherwise. He had seen many vampire couples that mate and they are truly happy with each other until the day when one of them dies and usually the other follows very quickly, because of the mating claim. Angel didn't know what Spike thought about that night, but it seemed like the perfect time to bring it up.

"That's the night Darla began to hate me, truly hate me anyways. She always never liked me too much, but after that she hated me. The next night she kicked my ass when she sent you out to find Dru. She was right pissed, said that I wasn't going to take you away from her. She started talking crazy about how I was your favorite and she wasn't going to let me replace her. I told her she was right daff. That she was your Sire and you had a bond that no one could touch. That Dru was your favorite certainly not me."

"I didn't know that. I knew she wasn't happy with you I could tell, but I didn't know she hurt you."

"Saw a different side to her I did is all. It's water under the bridge or whatever. I would have left once you got your soul, but she would have been alone. It didn't seem right family and all that. She just got worse and then after I killed that Slayer in the rebellion and you came and went I decided to take Dru and get the hell out of dodge. She became too much to handle. She always blamed me for your leaving and your curse said I should have been able to stop it somehow. I didn't even know it had happened don't see how I could have stopped it, but she didn't care to elaborate on it. It don't matter, long time ago it was." Spike said before he took another sip from the mug.

"It wasn't your fault that I was cursed. I shouldn't have messed with them and you said that. You never did like gypsies and you were right about them. At the time I hated it, but now I'm glad that I was cursed, because I have been able to truly help people and not just maim and kill them. I was never a pure soul before I was a vampire, but I have had the chance to make a difference in a positive way now. It will never change what I have done, but it helps make it more barely knowing that I can stop it from happening to other people."

"I can get that. I don't have a shiny soul, but the chip made me not be able to hurt any human. Now I work with them to fight demons. Some days I feel fine, but some days I can feel that guilt and remorse for some of the things I've done. Being around the humans have been reminding me that they aren't just food. They all have lives and people they care about and care about them, like I used to before Angelus sired me."

"It's hard when you first realise that at one point you used to be like them until some demon came and killed you. Made you into something you never thought you would be. Something you would have been disgusted by and hated. When I first got my soul I felt like I was in mourning of the person I was before Darla killed me." Angel admitted. He didn't tend to talk about this, but he could tell that Spike was confused and needed to talk. Angel always felt like he could talk to Spike when they were traveling the world together. Angel couldn't believe how easy it was to go back into that normal routine of a conversation with Spike.

"Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have my soul again. I know I would probably be insane with remorse and guilt, but when that clears up I wonder what it would be like. If I would still be the same or if I would be more like William then Spike."

"You wouldn't change much I don't think. You already have a lot of human traits to you that most vampires don't have. I don't think you would change too much it would just keep your demon in complete control until you let it out. You can also feel all emotions that you normally wouldn't be able to. Darla was right about one thing though." Angel said casually.

"What's that?"

"You are my favorite Childe and my biggest regret. The problem is I regret turning you, killing you. At the same time though I'm glad that I did, because I got to spend decades knowing you. I know we've gone back and forth hating each other and hurting each other, but I am glad we've got to spend the time that we have with each other. Spike I would really like to try and be a family again. I know Darla and Dru are gone, but I want us to at least try and be a family again. I do miss having you around and in my life." Angel said honestly. He didn't know how Spike felt or how he would react to it, but at least he was being honest. After everything that Spike had been through in the past two years he did deserve that much.

"I missed you too as much as I hate to admit that. You're the only person that I can just be myself around. I miss having that. I've missed you even though you drive me crazy." Spike said with a small smirk.

"I drive you crazy? I'm the one that had to put up with all your crap as a fledging. You never could listen. You always had to do things the hard way you couldn't just take my word for it." Angel said with false annoyance.

"You said I couldn't kill a Slayer and yet I've killed two and you haven't killed any. I'm a Master Vampire I think I turned out bloody fine."

"You are a Master Vampire and you got that title when you were young. It gave us a very unorthodox Sire and Childe relationship that's for sure. I couldn't control you like I could with Dru or Penn. I know I've never said it, but we are equals Spike. I'm not going to try and control you. I do think we need to talk about this situation with Buffy and what you plan on doing. You've been asleep for five days straight pretty much except to feed."

"Wait I've been out for five days?" Spike asked with concern and shock to his voice.

"You have. You were a lot more inured then we thought you were. You would have died this time around Spike."

"Shit. I need to call the Niblet I was supposed to go and see her the day after I left. She's probably wondering where I am. I need to talk to her and tell her I'm alright." Spike said with concern to his voice.

"You can use my phone to call her." Angel said as he pulled out his cell phone and handed it to Spike.

Spike couldn't help the surprised look on his face at the fact that Angel had a cell phone.

"What?" Angel asked when he saw the surprised look to Spike's face.

"You hate technology. I had to teach you how to drive a bloody car and you kept crashing them into rivers. You Mr. I Hate Keeping Up With The Times, have a cell phone?"

"Cordelia made me get it when we first opened so she could reach me if something happened. And I don't hate technology I'm just not like you. I don't want to know how it all works. The cell phone made sense and it's good that I have it. Plus I am a much better driver now it just took me a little while to get the hang of it." Angel said in his own defense.

"Does that mean you use computers now?"

"Not unless I have to and it's rare when I have to. Don't tell me you know how."

"Of course I know how, they've been around for a decade mate. You know me new technology comes out I'm all over it. Even heard they make windows now with tempered glass so you can't burn up from the sun."

"That I should look into. It would be nice to go downstairs and not have to worry about setting on fire."

"See mate keeping up with the times not such a bad thing." Spike said before he finished the rest of the blood and put the mug down on the bedside table.

He used Angel's cell phone and called Dawn's cell phone so he wouldn't run the risk of talking to Buffy. He knew he was going to eventually have to talk to her, but he just wasn't ready for that yet. After finding out that he had spent the last five days basically unconscious he wasn't ready to face the fact that if he had been alone he would have died because of her. This time around she took it too far and it almost cost him his life. After three rings Dawn answered.

"Hello?"

"Niblet, hey."

"Oh my God Spike, are you okay? What happened? Where are you?" Dawn asked in a hushed rush voice, letting Spike know she wasn't alone wherever she was. Spike figured she was up in her room and Buffy was either in her own room or downstairs.

"Calm down Little Bit I'm fine. I'm sorry I wasn't there the other night like I said I would be. Something came up and I had to leave town for a few days. That's all I didn't mean to worry you Bit."

"Is everything okay? Are you safe? I could see if Buffy could help if it's some baddie."

"Everything is fine Bit. No need to tell big Sis alright. I'll be back within ten days. I'm just gonna lay low for a bit, let things calm down is all. I'll be back soon and I'll make it up to ya."

"But you're safe right?"

"Ya Bit I'm safe don't worry about little old me. You just focus on your school work ya."

"I know, I know. I'm glad you are ok. I thought you might have been killed."

"It takes a lot to kill me Bit, don't worry about that. How are things down there? You being looked after?"

"Ya I mean everything is okay around here. Oh Buffy found out who killed that Katrina girl. Apparently it was Warren the robot guy. He killed her, but Buffy took care of it. Well she didn't hurt him, but we now know what was making her time go all wonky. So at least we know who the bad guys are right now. It's only a matter of time until Buffy comes up with a plan for them."

"Good I'm glad that is sorted then. She treating you alright?"

"Ya I mean she's not here a lot. She's been working and then patrolling. She must not have gone by your place, because she hasn't said anything to me about you being gone. She seems to be ok I mean she's stressed from working, but that's nothing new. She's gone most of the time. Willow and Tara might be working things out though. So that's good."

"That is good Pet. I hope they figure it out. They make a good set Red and Glenda do."

"Ya they do. Are you sure you are okay though Spike. You sounds like you're hurt."

"Naw I'm not hurt Pet. I'm just tired. I'll be back in Sunnydale soon don't worry and then we can hang out like we were supposed to do."

"I'll hold you to that Spike. A new movie is coming out in a couple of weeks, maybe we can go and see it."

"Sure thing Pet. I got to go I'll call you in a couple of days to check in."

"Ok Spike. Be safe."

"You're the one that needs to be safe Pet. Don't go into any cemeteries or dark alleys alone."

"I won't I promise. I'll see you in a week or so."

"See ya soon Niblet."

"Bye Spike."

Spike hung up the cell phone and then handed it back to Angel. He knew that Angel had heard the whole conversation so he didn't need to tell him about Buffy. Just like he also knew a conversation was coming up.

"I know I can't talk you out of leaving here and going back to Sunnydale, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try like hell to." Angel said in a deadly serious voice.

"I can't just abandon the little Bit Angel. I have to go back it's the right thing to do."

"And I am accepting that you feel this way. I don't want you going back there though for at least another ten days. I want you here where I know you are eating enough and getting your strength back. I want you healthy before you go back there."

"Didn't really have anywhere else to go." Spike said with a small shrug.

"Good. What are you going to do once you get back? What about money for blood? What about Buffy?"

"I'll get a job doing something to pay for the blood. I always figure it out."

"And Buffy?"

"What about her?"

"What are you going to do when she sees you? What are you going to do when she shows up looking for more than just information?"

"I don't know."

"Spike you can't keep seeing her."

"I know, but I can't avoid her either. I have to be there for Dawn I can't just leave her on her own Angel. I promised her I would always be there for her I can't break that promise. When I see Buffy I'll figure it out. I won't be sleeping with her if that helps any."

"It's not you sleeping with her that concerns me. I don't want to think about it, but it's not my main concern. You can't defend yourself against her Spike or any human. I don't like knowing that you are completely helpless against any human's attack. She almost killed you this time around Spike. If you had been alone you would have died. My blood is what saved you not pig's blood. I don't want that to happen to you again Spike."

Spike could hear the fear and concern in Angel's voice and if that wasn't enough he could feel it through their strengthening bond. Spike would normally feel annoyed and frustrated that Angel thought he couldn't protect himself, but right now it felt amazingly good to know that someone out there would miss him if he was dead. Someone cared about him. Someone that knew everything he had done in his past and still care about him touched Spike more than he wanted anyone to know.

"Of course I care about you Spike. You are my Childe, my favorite Childe. I'll always care about you no matter what you have done in the past or will do in the future. Nothing is going to change that. I know you can protect yourself against any demon, but you not being able to protect yourself against a human worries me. Buffy has the strength to kill you if you can't even defend yourself against her." Angel said as he felt what Spike was feeling.

"I can block her punches and dodge them, but that's about it. She usually doesn't hold back with her punches or kicks though so it only takes one blow to get through and she usually has me. I'll just be careful she might have had a change of mind by then. We don't know what she's thinking. Whatever Warren did to her could have made her react the way that she did the other night." Spike said trying to sound hopeful.

"You know that's not true. You said so yourself that Buffy has hurt you before. Taken advantage of you before." Angel said calmly.

"She hasn't taken advantage of me. I never said no flat out." Spike said even though he knew it was a lame excuse.

"Did you tell her not tonight? Did you tell her that you weren't in the mood? Did you tell her that you were in too much pain to?" Angel asked calmly just trying to get Spike to realize the situation he was in. Angel knew that Spike understood what was going on, but like so many other abuse victims he was making excuses for Buffy. He was trying to convince himself that the situation wasn't as bad as others saw it as.

"Ya, but if this Warren bloke has been messing around with her mind it might not have been her fault. She might not have even known she was doing it. This is Buffy we're talking about here. There has to be a reason."

"And if there isn't? If she's like this because of what happened to her, can you handle that? Can you keep going on like this being hurt and used?"

"It's not her fault Red and them idiots brought her back. They should have known better than to play around with dark magic and life and death. They should have known better that even though it was a Hell portal she was too good to go to Hell itself. It's not her fault they dragged her out of Heaven and she woke up in her grave. Anyone would have problems after that." Spike said in Buffy's defense.

"I'm not saying she wouldn't have problems after that. She's been through a traumatic experience, but that doesn't give her the right to hurt you like this. Spike, I'm not saying that she can't get better. I'm not saying that you should stay here and not go back. I'm just saying that you can't keep letting her do this to you. You don't deserve it and she has no right to hurt and use you like this. Stick up for yourself like you always have and if you ever need me or anything I'll be right here."

"I appreciate it mate. I really do. If it wasn't for Dawn I would probably stay, but I can't do that to her. She needs me and I promised her I would be there. I can't just walk away. I know that seems unlikely coming from a soulless demon, but she's like a little sister to me. I love her and I can't just abandon her."

"Having no soul never stopped you from loving someone. You loved Dru completely for a century. You've always been able to love. Those human emotions that vampires have to relearn over decades, you were turned still with those emotions. It's what makes you so rare and unique Spike. It's what makes you win when you fight. You don't need a soul to love or to protect you've proven that. I understand why you won't leave Sunnydale. I am hoping that you'll visit at least."

"Same goes to you mate."

"I'll be down to check in on you and Dawn. I never really got to spend much time with Dawn when I was there. She was almost always at her dad's place or I guess she wasn't, being the Key and all. Makes sense that I wouldn't have any memories of her now that I think about it." Angel said just fully realising what Dawn truly is.

"She's a sweet bird. She's my Niblet. She gets A's in school and she has this one friend Janice who I don't care for too much, but she's her best girlfriend in the whole world, according to Dawn." Spike said with a smile.

"You two got really close when Buffy was dead eh?"

"Someone had to be there for her like I said the first night I was here. No one was there for her. They never said it, but I think part of them blamed Dawn for it all. It was Dawn that Glory was after. It was Dawn's blood that was needed to open and close the portal. Buffy died to save Dawn from having to be killed. The logical side of me understands that it's natural for them to blame Dawn. The emotional side of me knows that they are stupid to blame Dawn when it was Glory's whole plan to open the portal. I didn't blame Dawn for what Glory did to me that one day. It's bloody stupid to blame the victim in all of this."

"Wait, back-up. What do you mean what Glory did to you?" Angel asked with confusion to his voice.

"They didn't tell you that either eh? I guess I shouldn't be surprised they never told you about the bloody chip and Captain G.I. Joe. One day the Watcher decides to take Buffy out to the desert for this spiritual journey crap. Glory's minions grabbed me from my crypt and took me to Glory. They thought I was the Key. Glory being a Hell God knew I wasn't the Key, because I was a vampire. She tortured me to try and get me to tell her who the Key was. I was able to piss her off enough that when she kicked me the chains holding me to the ceiling gave away. I managed to get down the elevator when Buffy and the others showed up."

"They came to rescue you?" Angel asked slightly surprised that they would have back then.

"No I'm fairly certain they came to kill me before I told Glory that Dawn was the Key. I wouldn't have though. I would never have done that to Buffy or to the little Bit. Took a good month for those bruises to heal. I did at least earn some of Buffy's trust though and my Niblet was safe for a while so it was worth it."

"Jesus Spike. You were tortured by a Hell God. You're lucky she didn't kill you." Angel said with anger that Spike had been through so much and no one had bothered to tell him any of this.

"She nearly bloody did, but I wasn't going to give up the little Bit. She didn't deserve to be hurt. Just like she didn't deserve to be blamed for what happened to me or to Buffy. She didn't ask to be made into this mystical Key that unlocks a portal to Hell. She's just this fifteen year old girl trying to cope with everything."

"She's lucky to have you around Spike. She sounds like a great girl and I hope I can have the chance to get to know her. Though she might not like me after the going evil bit I did four years ago."

"She'll be fine. She might just be a little on guard around you. If I tell her you are alright she'll believe me. How are your people doing? Fighting the good fight down here in L.A. home to the stars." Spike asked looking for a change in topic away from himself and his own problems that he didn't want to think about right now.

"It's been interesting to say the least. Wolfram and Hart is the major player here."

"Who?"

"They are a law firm that deals with demons and evil itself. They have been trying to kill us when we make too much noise for them. We fight on opposite sides so it's always interesting when they come up with a new plan to kill us."

"Well that sounds like fun." Spike said sarcastically.

"It has its moments. Most of the time we take clients who are having a problem with demons and we handle it. I still go out at night and patrol the streets killing vamps and demons that are trying to hurt someone. Gunn is also a demon fighter so he goes out on the nights that I don't. Wesley and Fred deal with the research part of our investigations and Cordelia deals with the clients and the money. She also gets visions now of when someone is being hurt and needs help from us."

"How did she get those?"

"The Powers That Be, gave them to her. It's a long story, but if you hear her scream that would be why."

"Scream?"

"It causes her to have a migraine or headache for a little while. She usually screams out when it happens and then in a few hours she's fine again."

"So she sees when something is happening to someone and then you go and stop it?"

"Basically. Sometimes it takes a little bit to figure out. She can see around the area, but it's not always easy to figure out the area. We can usually get there in time. Her vision is before it happens not while it's happening. It's not always when someone is being hurt sometimes she sees things that are related to an apocalypse and we can get prepared."

"That's bloody helpful. Could of used her on the Hellmouth."

"She's handy to have plus she's very good with money."

"Helps when you have a hotel to pay for I suppose. You always did like a lot of space and the high end of life."

"The hotel was abandoned and cheap to buy. It works when we needed a safe place for all of us to be. Fred, Gunn and Cordelia also live here. And there is nothing wrong with liking the finer things in life. You used to when we were all traveling together."

"Now I live in a dark and damp crypt and up until recently slept on the ground or a tomb."

"That can't be comfortable."

"It isn't, but you get used to it. I found a mattress in the dump about eight months ago that I sleep on now. It's not so bad found a few things in the dump that work. It don't matter to me as long as Niblet is taken care of. Never really cared about anything except for keeping Dru safe and alive. Now I have to keep Niblet safe and alive."

"You have always been taking care of someone. Even when you were alive you took care of your mom for ten years. Putting her health and needs first before your own. Then it was Dru and now it's Dawn. Who makes sure you are taken care of?" Angel asked calmly.

"I can take care of myself. Been doing if for over a century now."

"I know, but taking care of yourself and being able to get what you need are two different things. Dawn can take care of herself, but she can't pay rent or get food without money. You can't get blood without money and you can't get money with the way the demon population has turned their back on you. It doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself it just means that one of them should be looking out for you. Blood isn't exactly expensive."

"It's fine I don't need anyone. I just need to save up some cash and start investing like I used to. You don't have to worry about me. I can take care of myself and the Niblet. I've done it before." Spike said as he could feel the concern in Angel through their bond.

"I know you can, but that doesn't change that I don't like it. You show up here in horrible shape. You almost died Spike and by Buffy's own doing. I don't like knowing you are going back there without any help from any of them. Do the others know what Buffy has been like?"

"No they don't. They haven't been paying much attention. They all felt guilty when they found out that Buffy was in Heaven and not Hell. She's just been putting up this act that she is fine so they won't have to worry. They are all so blind to what's right in front of them. She's just traumatize she'll get passed all of this and everything will be fine."

"And when she finds out you are back in town and comes knocking? Then what?"

"Then I'll talk to her and tell her that I'm not putting up with it. I'm not an idiot Angel. If it wasn't for the Niblet I would leave, but I can't do that to her. Someone has to be there for her. I'll be fine."

"Alright, but if you need anything you call me."

"I will."

"Alright, do you feel up to taking a shower? You need to get that dry blood off of you."

"Shower would be good." Spike said with a nod.

Angel stood up and Spike took the blanket off from his legs. Angel went to Spike's duffle bag and took out a clean t-shirt and pants. He turned back around to see that Spike had his legs over the edge of the bed, but he hadn't gotten up yet. Angel went over to Spike and placed the clothes down on the bed.

"Do you think you are up for this?" Angel asked with concern to his voice.

Spike had only just woken up and had been able to talk for the first time in five days. As simple as a shower is it would still take a lot out of him.

"I need to shower."

"Ok let me help you up then."

Angel grabbed onto Spike's right arm gently and very carefully helped Spike to his feet. Spike's legs weren't used to being used after spending five days in bed. He was a little shaky, but they made it over to Angel's bathroom that was connected to his room. Spike leaned against the counter while Angel went to turn the shower on. Once the water was warm enough Angel turned his attention back to Spike.

"Are you going to be okay by yourself?"

"I'll be fine." Spike said, but Angel knew he wasn't too sure himself.

"I'll be right outside. When you get out I want to look at your injuries and see how they are healing."

Spike just gave a nod and Angel headed back out of the bathroom and closed the door, but he made sure he left it open just a crack, just in case. Spike went and removed his jeans. It hurt to still bend with his ribs still being broken. Angel's blood had helped to get weight back on him, but even his blood wouldn't magically heal his wounds. Once Spike was able to get his jeans off he went into the shower and allowed himself to feel the heat of the water against his skin. The last time he had taken a hot shower was back when Buffy was dead and he was helping Dawn at the house. During the day Spike would take a shower before getting some sleep while Dawn was at school. It had been six months since then and Spike hadn't had a hot shower since. He didn't really have much of a bathroom in his crypt it was just a pipe with a seal so he could stop the water from flowing. The water was only cold so it did nothing to help with any aches and pains. Standing under the hot water was helping his sore muscles, but Spike knew he wouldn't be able to stand here for very long. He was already shaky from standing up so he knew he couldn't waste much time standing here. Spike quickly used the shampoo and got his hair cleaned before he worked on his torso. He was able to get the dry blood off from him before he was too dizzy to stand up anymore. He turned the water off and got out. He grabbed a towel to dry off and was able to put his jeans back on. He walked out and held on to the doorway as the room spun. When the room went back to normal Spike opened his eyes and saw Angel standing in front of him holding him up. Spike just gave a nod to let Angel know he was okay. Angel helped Spike walk back over to the bed and sat him down on it. Angel quickly looked at his injuries and he was glad to see that they were healing, but concerned that they weren't as healed as they should have been. A true sign that Spike's body had suffered without a steady amount of blood in him. The blood Angel had given him went to work on keeping Spike's body alive and as a result the injuries were neglected. Angel helped to get the t-shirt on Spike before Spike laid back down.

"You need blood." Angel said.

"I'm not hungry. I just want to sleep." Spike said with a shaky voice.

"Alright, but I'm waking you up in a few hours to feed. Just rest for now."

Angel watched as Spike's breathing evened out and he knew that Spike was asleep. He always thought it was funny that even after all of these years Spike still breathed like a normal human. Angel always found it relaxing to watch Spike sleep. To watch the rise and fall of his chest. Angel rubbed his hands against his face to get his mind to focus. He couldn't lose himself in Spike's breathing, because it only brought up old memories and old feelings he had thought long died away. Angel knew they had always had a complicated relationship between each other. Even when he sired Spike he didn't treat him like a normal Childe. He treated him like an equal, but he always made sure Spike knew he was in charge. They had fought a lot, but now it seemed like they had both evened out and they were no longer fighting each other over every decision. Spike was simply just being himself and allowing himself to seek advance from Angel. It was new for them and Angel found himself enjoying it. He found himself truly realising just how much he had missed Spike over the years. Now that Spike was here he didn't want Spike to leave, but he understood why he had to. Angel decided that he would get some sleep considering it was just passed sunset. He knew that if something came up tonight that the others would come and get him. Angel got changed and then crawled into bed next to Spike once again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was just a little after eight when Buffy had left to go patrolling for the night. Dawn had barely said five words to her, because she just got home from work, took a shower, grabbed something to eat and then left again. Dawn knew that her sister was busy trying to provide and save the world and all that, but that didn't change that she wished her sister would spend a little time with her. It's not like she couldn't take a night off from patrolling when Spike was in the city. Spike patrolled every night to begin with because he wanted the fights. Buffy didn't have to go out there too every night. She just wanted one night a week where her and Buffy could curl up on the couch and watch movies like they used to before their mom died. Everything had been crazy in the past year and a half that Dawn felt like she didn't belong anywhere. Even after Buffy died the others just ignored her, except for Spike. Dawn knew that if it wasn't for Spike she probably would be dead by now either from starvation or some vampire got her one night when she was alone walking back from Janice's. Spike had been there to protect her and make sure she had food and her bills were paid. There was no way she would have been able to do it without any money and Willow and Tara seemed to be too lost in their own world to notice. Dawn had been so happy when Buffy was brought back she thought everything would go back to normal only it didn't. Things seemed to be worse because now Spike wasn't allowed to be here anymore and Buffy seemed to be distant and overworked now. Dawn had been so lonely she had resorted to stealing just to make herself feel better. She was hanging out at Janice's more and more and sneaking out to parties. Dawn knew what she was doing was wrong, but she just couldn't bring herself to care.

Dawn headed over to her closet and pulled out a short mini-skirt and a halter top. She got dressed and put on high healed black boots before she did her hair and make-up. Once she was ready she grabbed a leather jacket that she stole and headed out the front door. Tonight was Friday and she was going to go with Janice to a college party that she was invited to. Dawn had been to other parties, but never a college party before. She knew Buffy would freak if she ever found out, but she never would because she just didn't care anymore. Dawn figured if everyone else didn't care then she wasn't going to care. It wasn't like she mattered anyways. She was never supposed to exist after all. Dawn got to Janice's house and she didn't knock. She knew that Janice was sneaking out so she waited behind the bushes until Janice came around and saw her. They both smiled and headed down the street quickly to the car that was waiting for them. Their other friend Chris had been the one to invite them and he was going to drive them to the party and back home. Chris was a senior in high school and he was going to be going to this college come the fall so he was already making a name for himself in the college before he even got there. Chris smiled at them as they got into his car.

"Love the outfit Dawnie. No one will know that you are underage at all." Chris said with a smile and a wink at her through the rear-view mirror.

"You said to look hot so I did." Dawn said with confidence back. She didn't care tonight. Tonight she was going to have fun no matter what. She was sick of not belonging anywhere and tonight she was going to belong.

"I hope you guys are ready for one hell of a party. These college people don't play around you know. I'm talking about some serious liquor and drugs are going to be going around. If you guys want to fit in and be taken seriously to get invited back you are going to have to go along with it. I had to the first time I went and now they always invite me to everything. I'm talking about beach parties and going to ski cabins. Trips to Vegas and New York together. If you want to be included in all of that shit you can't act like freshmen. You have to act like college kids." Chris said.

"We're ready. Aren't we Dawnie?" Janice said as she turned to look at Dawn.

"I'm beyond ready. I'm so sick of not belonging anywhere. It's about time I found some people who will care." Dawn said with a serious tone to her voice.

"You do what they do and you'll find people who won't just abandon you when they feel like it. They treat each other like family there." Chris said.

"Can't wait." Dawn said.

They drove down to where the college party was located. It was in a house and you could hear the music coming from the house down the block. Dawn was stocked for this. She was sick of Buffy's friends all leaving her to her own devices. Tonight she was going to go and find her own family. Chris didn't have much of a family and since he had been coming to these parties he was always talking about how great they were. How they would have dinner together once a week and they would throw parties and just enjoy spending time together. After a few conversations Dawn didn't even care that Chris had been drinking, doing drugs and doing some small time crimes like stealing and vandalizing. Dawn could tell that Chris was happy and Dawn wanted to feel like that. She wanted memories of a family that were actually real and not what a bunch of monks made up. They parked the car and they all got out and headed towards the house. Chris just opened the door and they walked in to a huge group of people. They were all over the two-story house. The music was banging and Dawn could see that everyone was drinking. Some people in the living room were doing lines of cocaine on the coffee table and others were smoking pot around the house. Dawn couldn't believe just how many people were here, but she didn't care. The bigger the better in her mind. They headed into the kitchen to get a drink and in the kitchen there were guys and girls playing poker at the table. Chris grabbed them all a drink. He grabbed a beer for himself and grabbed two vodka coolers for the girls.

"Hey Chris, who do you have with you tonight?"

"Hey Jake, this is Dawn and Janice the girls I was telling you about. They needed a night out and away from all the bullshit. I hope that's cool." Chris said.

"No problem at all as long as they came here to party and not bring everyone down."

"Oh no we came to party." Janice said with a flirtatious smile.

"We'll see." Jake said back with a smirk.

"We were just about to play strip poker. Don't suppose either of you girls would be brave enough to join us." Another guy said.

"That's Andrew and I don't think they would be willing to pay the buy in." Jake said.

"And what would that be?" Dawn asked.

"For newbies it would be a line of coke and you have to start without a shirt." Jake said with a smirk.

"I'm in, but I should warn you, you're going to be the one naked and not me." Dawn said with confidence. Spike had taught her how to play poker and blackjack. He also taught her how to cheat at it without getting caught.

"Is that a fact now?" Jake said obviously interest as he leaned forward on the table.

"It's a guarantee." Dawn said back with a smirk.

"So where's the powder then?" Janice asked.

Andrew spoke as he pulled out a small baggie of white powder. "Right here sweetheart. Step on up."

Andrew put down two lines of coke and then they all turned to see if Dawn and Janice were going to actually do it. Dawn knew that all of this was a bad idea, but she couldn't bring herself to care. She wasn't going to be left out again. Dawn went over and without hesitation she snorted her line of coke and then stepped back so Janice could as well. Dawn then without a care took off her halter top and sat down in just her mini-shirt and strapless black bra. Janice did the same and they both smiled as Jake dealt the new hand. Chris headed into the living room to socialize now that he knew the girls were in.

It wasn't until two hours later did the poker game end. Everyone, but Dawn and Jake were naked, but they were all too drunk and high to care. Every thirty minutes someone was bringing out a baggie for everyone to snort a line. For Dawn and Janice that were new to drinking and drugs they were both stoned and drunk. Dawn had only her underwear on and so did Jake. Jake couldn't help but smile at how good Dawn was at poker. Once everyone else was naked Jake spoke up.

"I think it's time for Dawnie and me to go upstairs to my room and play some one on one poker. What do you say cutie?"

"Bring it on." Dawn said as she stood up and swayed a little.

Together they both headed upstairs to Jake's room. Once in the room Jake locked the door and didn't waste a second before he kissed Dawn. Dawn was drunk and high, but she wasn't stupid she knew this is what Jake wanted when he suggested they come upstairs. Dawn knew she had to fit in so she would be asked back and at this point she didn't care. Dawn kissed back not even caring when Jake went to work removing her underwear. Dawn removed Jake's boxers and then felt the bed underneath her. She knew she had never had sex before, but she wasn't stupid she knew how it worked and right now she felt too good to even care what this would mean. For the first time in her life she was just going to do whatever she wanted. It wasn't like anyone would care anyways. So she let Jake kiss her, touch her and fuck her for the next few hours before they both passed out on the bed. And in the morning when she got up to head back home with Janice she didn't even feel embarrassed or ashamed, because Jake had told her to come by that night for another party. Jake winked at her before Dawn left the room with the promise that she would be back that night and she was. When she came back that night she made sure she didn't wear any underwear this time under her mini-shirt and little crop top. This time when she came in she took two lines of coke and a shot of whiskey before she went over to Jake who was sitting at the poker table and straddled his lap and kissed him. She could feel his hard on and she smirked at him before getting off and headed up the stairs slowly. She made sure she removed her top facing the room showing everyone that she wasn't wearing a bra before she continued her way up the stairs with Jake following behind her. She wasn't going to lose this chance at belonging to something.


End file.
